Drunken Owls and Other Delights

Not worked-too-hard exhausted, just...tired. Low on gas. Going at a slow speed and deciding not to accelerate any faster for a while. Perhaps it's that I've been waking up a lot during the night, perhaps it's the RL political fuckery, or maybe it's closer to home with the day job drama. [Definitely not because of the day job getting busier for Q4, though...that won't happen for another month or so.] Or a little of everything finally piling up. I just don't have it in me to give any more fucks right now. Maybe a few spoons left that I'm keeping as backup, just in case.

Which is frustrating, because this is happening just as I want to start giving myself more ability to focus on my creative endeavors. But I'm not going to let it get to me all that much, because sometimes it's just not worth the added stress and anxiety. Figure out a workaround instead. Figure out what really matters and put most of my energy into that instead of trying to keep a sinking boat afloat.

Mind you, I'm still happy that I'm not nearly as full of stress and anxiety as I was with the bank job, that's for sure. I'm just more aware of it when it does arise, and I just need to do my best to divert it when and where I can.

 I'm kind of in an interstitial space right now creatively, I think. I've mentioned before that I've stopped performing a lot of the habits I'd had over the last several years in Spare Oom -- the whiteboard schedule, the logging of the word count, writing at 750Words, and so on. The main reason I stopped is that I wanted a fresh start here at the New Digs. For the most part it's been a positive choice as I haven't felt the stress of not hitting scheduled goals. It's helped me focus on current projects with more clarity.

Not that I'm complaining, however. I like being here at this time, because it means that I'm breaking away from old habits and yet to forge new ones. I'm allowing myself to try new things and approach current projects in a slightly different way. Perhaps this is why I'm also allowing myself to indulge in a wave of comic reading on Hoopla these last several weeks...I get to try something new, see what inspires me.

I suppose if this stage is anything like the one I had during the Belfry Years, this will (hopefully) mean that a lot of positive creativity will come out of it.

As it happens I had to work today due to Head Bookkeeper taking the day off, which was fine, the only issue being that it was three days in a row where I should have been doing said bookkeeping but ended up spending most of that time doing drive-up orders instead. I don't mind doing those per se, it's just that new ones were constantly popping up JUST as I finally finish doing two in a row and want to take a breather, not to mention that upper management has decided to hyperfocus on completion times, substitutions and other fun pointless algorithm numbers. You know how it is. Just one more thing I'm supposed to stress out over. I'd I certainly have been stressing out lately, because it's not just those orders but feeling like I have to be in charge of five other things at the same time: babysitting the front end, answering the phone, working the register because we're short-staffed, making sure the teens from the local high school aren't stealing, fixing the always-malfunctioning self check-outs, unlocking the liquor and pharmaceutical cabinets, and whatever else is going on. As I've told my coworkers and bosses: I get stressed out and snippy with my words, but I very rarely get angry or pissed off. You'll know I'm getting there when I start swearing.

The good thing is that I have tomorrow off and have zero plans other than laundry. I need a wind-down and a refocus as I haven't been able to deal with Theadia work lately and that's bothering me. And speaking of creativity, I've pretty much given up on Inktober (again), though mainly out of disinterest. I didn't hate it and it didn't feel like I was trying too hard, just that it didn't resonate with me at all. I'd still like to do some more art, but I'm thinking that if I'm going to do it, I should find an outlet that interests me. Doing month-long memes isn't cutting it anymore, I guess?

But yeah, I'm hoping that next week isn't nearly as dramatic because I really could use the break. I've got jury duty the week after, though I'm not sure if I'll actually need to go in until next Sunday anyway. [I was joking with A today that jury duty would actually work as a perfect break from all the bs I'd been dealing with, heh.] We shall see, I suppose...

Mind you, I'm sure I'll be waking up at 6am like I usually do, heh.

So for the first time in a number of years, I've chosen not to do a year-end mixtape or best-of list. I went into this a bit over at Walk in Silence, but the tl;dr is that it had nothing to do with the music and all to do with my own lack of connection with the new releases. Don't get me wrong, there were a LOT of really great albums and singles that dropped...but I'd just been too distracted to let any of it stick with me for any length of time. I'm a bit bothered by that to tell the truth, because that's not my normal state of musical obsession. The distraction was that in itself: I was too obsessed with the acquisition and not enough with the enjoyment, and I want that to change.

The interesting thing is that I came to that realization when I was making the mixtape soundtrack for Queen Ophelia's War. My aim for that mix was to recreate the moods I'd find myself in when I'd listen to bands like Cocteau Twins back in the day; something that would take me on an aural journey and spark my imagination and creativity. And in the process, I'd realized that I'd been so focused on picking up new things that I'd lost that drive to find music like that. Quite some time ago, actually. 

So that's one resolution for the new year: to appreciate what interests, inspires and influences me for more than a few dopamine-fueled moments. I want to go back to that, not just because it's pleasurable but because it's what drives me as a creative person. 

Speaking of dopamine-fueled moments, tonight is when I'm finally putting my Twitter into cold storage. Short of deleting it all and someone possibly yoinking my handle, I'm just putting it on complete lockdown and posting maybe once in a while to remind others where I can be found. I'll skip on describing how much interest I've lost in it over the last couple of years and just say that I have no real use for the site anymore. Most of my writer and IRL friends can be found elsewhere these days, anyway. One less thing to distract me, really.

So. Any other resolutions?

I'd like to walk to/from work more often. I stopped only because we'd had a long stretch of crappy weather followed by the exhaustion of Christmas Retail. And maybe head to the gym again? It's been far too long. I'm in pretty good shape these days considering how much walking I do at work (I can log 3-4 miles just in one eight hour shift some days), but there's always room for improvement. I still want to be more flexible, however. I know I'm getting older and my joints are getting a bit creaky, but that's no reason not to try to work on keeping in shape, yeah?

I'd like to continue working on having a healthier emotional outlook. I've been doing pretty good lately but I do still slide into bouts of complaining about stupid things (work, annoying people, Republicans, etc.) and when I'm sick of my own complaining, that's a good sign that others are probably sick of it as well. Not that I'm aiming to be insufferably chipper or being the peacemaker all the time, far from it. Just working on knowing the difference between when it's warranted and when to Let It Go and Move On.

I'd like to work on rekindling my love for other creative outlets, namely music and art. I've been focusing so much on my writing for so long that the other two have fallen by the wayside. I have art supplies gathering dust here in Spare Oom. I have guitars here that are dusty and out of tune. I have a keyboard here that's currently used as a storage shelf. I was thinking it's time to relearn how to play piano -- I know the basics thanks to lessons when I was a kid, but I'd like to be able to walk up to a keyboard (or a piano in the park when they have them) and play something impressive instead of just a passing line or two. Will I find the time? Well, I have to make time for it, won't I? Otherwise they'll never get started!

There's more I'd like to do, but I'll get into them at a later date here.

In the meantime, wishing all of you a hopeful, creative and peaceful 2024!

The new year is here! 

A few resolutions I have in mind:

--Make a concerted effort to minimize my social media habits. More to the point, to do a Twitter deep clean. I've been decent enough about minimizing my use of it, but I can do better...unfollow users I don't pay attention to, immediate-block trolls and rude users I don't know, and try to avoid the Trending tab as often as possible. And most importantly, to stop using it so much during my breaks at work!

--Related to the last point above: better utilize my downtime at work with creative things -- read an ebook on my phone, write notes for the MU4 project, write poetry and lyrics, that sort of thing. This is mainly for MU4, however...I want to dedicate as much time as I can to it.

--Related to work: considering the shop is eight blocks from our apartment, there's really no reason for me not to walk to work. Okay, there are a few: bad weather, super early or super late hours, and the fact that it's at the top of a hill...but I've been a bit lazy about it. I'll either take the bus (which drops me right out front but costs me $2.50) or drive up (which is really just a waste unless I'm doing some major shopping after shift. Working retail has definitely gotten me in much better shape, so why not continue that with a walk to and from work? It only takes ten minutes, so I see no reason why not.

--I'd said over at Welcome to Bridgetown the other day: on a personal note, I want 2023 to be a time for exploration and expansion. I spent the last two years cleaning out the emotional and personal detritus and building a better foundation, so it's time for me to figure out what's to go in its place. I have a few ideas, of course...more on that at a later time.

I don't have many resolutions to work on this time out, but they're all major ones, and I'm looking forward to making them a reality!


Hope you all have a wonderful and positive 2023!

Huh. Who knew that a) putting attainable plans into action and b) finding that sweet-spot level of productivity that c) isn't just me trying too hard and overworking myself and d) keeps me just enough from distraction would actually, y'know, work? Heh. 

It's been a surprisingly productive week here in Spare Oom. I got more submission work completed (including a complete query/synopsis package for In My Blue World and a few submission emails), finished off the synopsis for Waystation Project, made a to-do short story list for College Campus Project, continued rereading and synopsis for MU4 Project, and somehow decided that maybe playing out a synopsis for In My Blue World Sequel Project wouldn't be a bad idea either. Oh, and maybe Best Laid Plans for Oh Hey Remember That One Project I Keep Untrunking Well Maybe It Still Needs A Crapton More Work So I'll Put That One Aside So Forget I Said Anything Project has been put aside.

So in short, I put aside the Ooh Shiny Best Laid Plans Project that should maybe stay trunked (and locked, let's be honest) but opened up a Pandora's Box of SO MANY OTHER PROJECTS in its place. And I don't actually mind this, as this is the level I want and need to be at, where I'm most comfortable creatively. (Side note, I still have that other synopsis I wrote a few weeks back of a completely new story based on a dream I'd had, so we'll add that to the list.)

ANYWAY. Other than that, I've also been busy elsewhere as well. I've been doing a bit of drawing in the afternoons and picking up my guitar to play along to a few songs at least once a day. I've been good with my daily stretches. And I've been keeping up with the blogs. Keeping super busy but a GOOD kind of busy!

My schedule may be a bit wonky starting next Sunday, however, as A is on vacation and we'll be traveling for a few days (for the first time in over a year), but I'm sure I'll continue to keep myself busy and up to date. We'll see where this all leads us...!

I've been thinking a lot about returning to my blogging. On the one hand I went on hiatus because I felt I was just repeating myself over and over with the writing blog and phoning it in on the music blog. On the other hand -- and I've said this before -- the Day Job changes had put considerable stress on me in those last few months before I quit.

I miss sharing the music that I've been listening to. I miss sharing my writing processes. And I also miss the schedule, believe it or not. Scheduling gives my brain a bit of stability and direction. And that in turn inspires me to work more on my fiction.

Hell, I'm even thinking of scheduling my Daily Words again. I'm ready for it.

I just need to stop Making Plans to Do It and JUST FREAKIN' DO IT ALREADY.

Hell, I've already returned to journaling and poetry. Not with any schedule, mind you, but I'm actively pursuing those again.

**

I've also started leaning heavily on my music again. I've been inspired to record my noodling, and not just on my phone for demo references...I'm learning more about what I can do with the foot pedal my sister gave me last Christmas (it's a Zoom G1 Four and it has all sorts of neat sounds and effects!), and I'd like to start recording things onto my PC. (Do I even know what I'm doing? Hell no. But that's part of the fun of it all!) 

Part of this stems from the fact that I haven't been able to write music for a long time, at least not in the way I used to write it. I toyed with giving it up or treating it as a hobby, but I don't think I'm ready to do that just yet. I still create melodies in my head that I haven't quite figured out to play, and they're not going to do anything if they remain there on endless loop. This forces me to hear sounds in a different way and build it up exponentially. That in turn will teach me how to layer a song, giving it depth. It's the same as my writing, really -- the only way I can learn is if I keep immersing myself.

**

So what about my artwork?

Well. That REALLY fell by the wayside over the last year or so, and I'm annoyed and saddened by that. Same reasons as above: creative frustration, little time, too many personal things going on. But you know, it's been months and things are better now, so I'm adding that to my creative schedule as well. Any aim on that in particular? Well, not at the moment, but I think I'm going to approach it a bit differently this time. No projects, no specific aim, no goal. Just taking pencil (or pen) (or stylus, if I decide to finally upgrade to a new Wacom) and doing a bit every day just to do it. See where it goes. I just want to do it all again.

**

So yeah. I miss the level of creativity I used to have just a few years ago. It's high time for me to return to it.

I still have the whiteboard up. Let's get this thing filled up again.
 

Related to a few previous posts.  Been thinking more about my current adjustments in time management.

Noted, giving myself reminders has always worked well for me: keeping tabs open for the blogs and the daily words, and closing everything else unneeded or unnecessary.   Jumping in on urges to work on something rather than 'I'll get to it soon enough.'  [This last one can be tricky during Day Job hours if I have fires to put out, but it there are slow moments, I can usually at least sow a seed or two that will bear fruit when 
I fully focus on it later.]

Going through the motions of time management for necessary evils.  (In some respects, the slower, more automated moments of the Day Job, where I'm just answering emails or doing minor research.  If dedication and focus is needed, it'll be provided.  Otherwise, I'm Going Through the Motions.)  Less stress, less concern about things I don't necessarily need or want to be concerned about.

I seem to be doing the same with social media.  I no longer want to be #LIVE and #BREAKING.  Things are much calmer and more serene that way.  Just me, some tunes, my creative projects, and maybe some coffee or tea, and I'm golden.

What is it with me and Best Laid Plans, anyway? I think it's partly due to distraction, and also due to finally giving myself some mental time off for a while. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been doing some serious longhand journaling and sorting some personal things out in the process. This is what happens when I choose to diarize something (is that a word?) and not share it with the world on one of my blogs...the voice changes from being "on" to being true to myself, unedited and uncensored. It's weirdly refreshing and eye-opening. It's been a relaxing couple of weeks, not having my creative brain in constant overdrive.

Still...I'm not exactly behind any schedule, because I currently don't have a schedule, other than working on my Walk in Silence outline. It's coming along...shockingly long at around 35 pages in the current iteration, though I'd say roughly 1/3 or so is filed with lists of songs and albums I'll possibly be referencing. The framework is coming along nicely, as I can better see how I'm going to tackle the actual writing--it'll definitely be in the form of a memoir, but there's going to be a lot of geeking out about music, radio, and collecting. I will admit that in the back of my mind, I already have an idea of a few publishers I'd like to send this to, but I'm not going to focus to seriously on that until I'm closer to the end of the writing part of it. I know of a few agents who might be interested too (I floated this book idea by them a few years ago at the SF Writer's Conference, and they all thought it was a cool idea), so I may go in that direction as well.

Nonetheless...after a few weeks of finishing off the Great Revision, it truly feels weird not to be focusing on anything trilogy-related. I've got a few possible story ideas in the back of my head that take place in that universe, but I'm not going to focus on them just yet. I did, however, write a few of them down on scraps of paper and add them to my Glass Jar of Ideas that I have on my desk. This is another idea I'd had, to create a "job jar" where I would write down various snippets of ideas, fold them up and toss them in the jar for further use. The jar is woefully scant at the moment, as I haven't given myself time to freeform anything new, but I'm hoping to change that in June.

So what is on tap for June '14, anyway? Well! Glad you asked.

--The End of the Mental Vacation. Sad to see it go, but it's time for me to get back on the creative highway and get going.
--Blog Entries. I'm over a month behind on them and, as said, haven't given myself time to work on any. I'll most likely be writing them during the week in between the WiS work (or during slow moments during the day, if there are any), and posting them on the weekend.
--Poetry. I'm ready to start longhand poetry again, for varying reasons that I may or may not go into at a later time. Not sure if these will ever be posted, but the main idea is, like the journaling, to do it on my own time, for myself.
--Art. Geez, I haven't been able to do this in a while, either! Hopefully I can plug in the Wacom and get some doodling done again. It's been WAY too long.

So yes...June promises to be the start of another wave of creativity. Here's to hoping it works out! :)

So today I did something I rarely do anymore--feed a troll.

In particular, this was a troll who'd been following the #nerdland hashtag on Twitter (that's the one for Melissa Harris-Perry's weekend show on MSNBC) and basically complaining how we in the Democrat Party* are always whining about poor jobs and looking for handouts, as well as saying how awesome capitalism was and how Socialism = free handouts. I mentioned various personal truths such as not being able to find a decent job in or near my hometown, and having to take a job I didn't like because, well, that's all there was. In addition to that I mentioned that guaranteed, if you're stuck at a job you hate, you're gonna end up doing shitty work because you have no pride in it. To which he of course responded:

No, I want [you] to work at whatever level job you are qualified for and be thankful for your job. Is that too much to ask?

Aside from my overwhelming urge to invoke Godwin's Law (in particular, "Arbeit Macht Frei"), I decided that was too easy and let that one pass. I instead said that's actually not enough to ask. In so many words, I stated that work without pride in it is wasted time for all involved, and it's a hell of a lot rarer to find a job you're completely proud of nowadays. He of course suggested starting one's own business if it was that bad. Never mind how the hell someone with no finances or knowledge to do so in the first place will know how to do that.

Well. Aside from the back and forth and never the twain shall meet (and besides, I was too busy enjoying a movie), we basically ended our verbal sparring on a funny note, at least for me. He pointed out that I should be looking for a new job and do something with my life instead of whining on the internet all day.

To which I responded:

On the contrary, I'm happily married, I write, and am paying it forward to others. So stop the projection there, dude.

Well! That seemed to piss him off enough that he yelled at me for wasting his time and cluttering up his Twitter feed, and I haven't heard a lick from him since. But I have to say that payoff was probably the most fun I've had feeding a troll in quite some time. :D


On a side note, part of this came about because of something I'd mentioned on the #nerdland tag this morning about creative jobs. It's always bothered me that jobs that are creative--writing, artistry, performance, and so on--always tend to bear the stigma of being superfluous and nonprofitable, and thus not a serious career choice. I've always wondered just how many people are out there who could possibly be writers, artists or musicians in the making, if they'd only been given the opening and the ability to do so. This dates back to when I was in high school, when they'd gotten rid of the stage club (or whatever it was called), who would put on seasonal plays for the area because they didn't have the funds and no teacher wanted to be part of it unless they'd be paid for it...and yet god forbid they get rid of football...!! Sure, living in a small town, we most likely had better running backs than thespians and I don't blame them for sticking with offering sports for that majority of kids, but still--what about those of us who are interested in acting and can't play sports to save our lives? Shit outta luck, I guess.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's always bothered me that those of us who are artists and writers--especially those of us who are professional, who have to work a day job and squeeze our true passion into the two hours at the end of the day or a few hours on the weekend--why is it that if we're the creative types, it's considered a pointless career unless we're multi-million dollar mass-producers like Stephen King, Thomas Kinkade, or Lady Gaga? There's some phenomenal work out there that's done by people who are essentially paper pushers during the day, and to be honest, it's not always because they chose to do so...it's because they have to do so, to make ends meet, and to get healthcare coverage. Sure, there are those who manage to balance a Day Job and a Creative Job and have no problems with it, but there are others who may not have that luxury for one reason or another.

Sometimes it makes me wonder, too...how many people are out there, who wish they could have been an artist or a writer, who have the potential to be one, given the time and the practice...but choose not to, because it wouldn't be profitable? It kills me to think that there are potentially creative people out there who never let that gift grow and blossom, out of financial necessity.

This is PRECISELY why, now that I'm able to do so, I pay it forward as much as I can. I know friends and fellow creatives who run Kickstarter campaigns for their creative project, or need some funds to pay off an unexpected bill, and I'm always happy to donate if I can. I know people out there just starting to take their writing seriously, and I am 100% behind them and will help them how I can. If a musician's album grabs me, I will totally download or buy it from them, and even give a shameless plug or two if I can.

Because it's positive all around...everyone wins.

Because it's the right thing to do.

Because really--FUCK that "I made it by myself, you're on your own, no handouts" bullshit, Mr. Troll.

We're all in this together.



* One of my favorite bits about right wing trolls is their penchant for name calling. There's the playground level of 'libtard' and so on, and there's the nuanced misnomer like 'Democrat Party' (purposely leaving off the "ic" suffix just to annoy). It's the online version of "you're a retard and you smell funny", obviously, a cheap and easy taunt. I of course understand it happens on both sides ('rethuglicans' and so on), but it seems the right wing trolls are more vociferous and nasty about it.