Drunken Owls and Other Delights

Whew! Finally got a decent amount of sleep last night! And it looks like I'll be able to catch up this week as I don't need to get up early until Friday. This of course means a few midshifts, but it is what it is and I'm not too worried about it. The only downside is that my right ear has been feeling stuffed up lately, and I think it's probably because of my recent allergies. It's only that ear, and it's only when I'm lying down, so perhaps taking some Benadryl before bed one of these nights might do the trick.

I'm making good on my previous entry about just doing what I can do creatively and not worrying about doing all the things. Interestingly a reel popped up in my Facebook feed that made a lot of sense to me in regards to all of this -- it's not so much laziness that's causing this procrastination but a mental 'safety' response. Somewhere along the line my Mental To-Do List started feeling overwhelming, but not because there were a lot of things there; it was that somehow I'd gotten into the habit of 'things I must do soon' = 'must avoid this to retain my sanity' with a sprinkle of 'oh hey this fun distraction (music library, webcomics, social media) is a lot less mentally taxing, let's focus on that instead'.

The fascinating thing is that I understand this, and I've ALWAYS understood this, and it rarely ever bothered me in the past...so why now?

I think part of it was the ongoing stress of the day job before I got my transfer, along with some other personal and real life stuff going on that just dogpiled on me over the last couple of years, and I got sloppy about letting it get to me so easily.

That's not to say everything is magically fixed, of course. More that I have a better understanding of it all now, and I'm more aware of how I can navigate this going forward.

Originally posted on BlueSky from user Matheus Graef (omiosures.bsky.social):

"personal work is oxygen to the artist. it's non negotiable. like exercising or going on walks a few times a week is a basic necessity to humans. if you forgo the bare minimum for too long, you will crash & burn so pick up the pencil today, now even, and draw something just for you."


I've been thinking about this for the past couple of days, and I think it perfectly encapsulates the issue I've been having with my writing over the last several years. In short, my brain is stuck thinking that EVERY creative thing I work on, whether it's Theadia, a new story idea, a doodle, my daily 750 Words, whatever, has felt like work.

And when everything feels like work, as A recently said, that's when I start getting the Don't Wannas. And I've been getting them hard lately.

The problem is that I've understood this for a long time, and yet every time I want to just do something just for the fun of it -- draw a map, noodle on my guitar or bass, whatever it is -- I start feeling as though I'm overwhelmed with deadlines, assigned reading, and writing term papers I should have started weeks ago. 

I think somewhere along the way it just defaulted to that, and I never got around to fixing it because it worked for me all this time. When I started taking my writing seriously in the mid-90s, I had to look at it that way, otherwise I'd have been too easily distracted. I kind of saw it as my 'career' outside of my 'day job' as it were, and I needed to make sure I focused on that if I wanted to make anything out of it. By the time I was writing A Division of Souls, it worked perfectly as a way for me to get this big project done with a daily writing schedule.

Thing is, it's not working these days; in fact it's doing quite the opposite. It could be age and maturity, it could be the distraction of the internets, or it could be frustration that I feel like I'm often repeating myself. Everything feels like a chore or a possible self-published project, and it feels like I've forgotten how to just, y'know... have fun with it. Draw those maps not because I feel the need to be creative, but because I just feel like whiling away the time listening to music and just doodling for no other reason.

So how do I make this happen? Good question.

Maybe I need to make a concerted effort to do things offline, off the computer. Like playing solitaire with a real deck of cards. Like longhand writing. Like sketching. Like learning a new song on my guitar or on my bass. Like catching up on my reading.

Maybe I need to make a concerted effort to rethink how I approach my creativity and just DO it without any plans of releasing it.

Maybe I need to get back to the original motto: just shut the f*ck up and DO it.

...I just don't want them to be based on passive internet scrolling anymore, is all. A suggested I try out Squaredle, which is basically word game site should keep me busy and occupied during my work breaks. That's all I ask for. I did buy me a crossword puzzle book but it hasn't been doing the trick (especially when I'm having a busy day and don't want to think), so maybe I should put one of my word search magazines in my bag instead. 

But yeah, the Day Job has been a bit chaotic these last couple of weeks, between the bad weather, the good weather following, the upcoming holiday (Valentine's Day) and today's football game, not to mention being short-staffed due to scheduling and/or call-outs. I've been rather exhausted by the end of the shift after trying to keep everything running smoothly. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't (and sometimes I wonder why I bother). Hopefully next week will be significantly less nutty.

 Thankfully my cough and congestion lasted a mere couple of days and I was back to work on Friday. Speaking of which, my hours have been cut back a few per week and I'm only doing about 30 - 32 rather than the 35-38, and I have it on good authority that it's basically just that time of the year when it quiets down a little bit. There aren't any major holidays coming up until Easter and Memorial Day that would affect a grocery store. Which is fine with me as I'm still getting over thirty hours, they're glad to have me there, and our store is actually one of the better ones in terms of sales! 

Also in the day job universe, glass cases have now been installed on sections of two aisles. One is the biggest improvement: the hard liquor that wasn't already locked up. [The usual cast of idiots would always hit our vodka, whiskey and tequila but rarely anything else.] The other, as you will probably have already guessed, is the toiletries such as meds, detergents and cleaners. It's kind of sad that so many stores have had to do this, even despite getting security as we have, but we're doing out best to make the wait as minimal as possible. We still get so many customers coming in saying how much they love our store, and I've even gotten personal thanks from a few who thought we did an ace job helping them.

Meanwhile...I'm still working on the social media detox. It's gotten to the point on the phone where I uninstalled one of the web browsers and removed one from the screen. I do find that the Out of Sight Out of Mind Method of avoiding distraction works pretty well for me, so let's see if this works. It's another thing entirely here in Spare Oom, but I'll figure out something. There's also the issue of Avoidance here at the PC -- I know I need to work on the MU4 project, like, NOW, but hey maybe I should blog first or wait time for dinner hmm I should probably clear out my emails oh damn it all it's 8pm already too late to start anything.

Time to remind myself: just shut the f*** up and DO it already!


Anyhoo...hope everyone has a good week ahead!

I probably should be concerned that I'm working on Diwa & Kaffi Revision Version 2.1 at a snail's pace, but that's because I've been semi-distracting myself by watching BBC's Gardeners' World with A in the evenings. It's a distraction, yes, but it's a rather enjoyable and relaxing one, even if my thumbs are nowhere near the color green. Besides, the level of productivity has shifted back and forth since I started it. I'll get through a huge segment quickly one day, only to slog through five paragraphs the next. It happens.

Anyhoo...new month, new attempt to return to schedules. I'm trying to be good and get back into the habit of exercising in the morning. Just a few stretches and crunches, but I've noticed that doing it every single day has in fact shown results, so I may as well get back into it! I'm also trying to get back into the Daily Words again. Inspiration has semi-struck, so I'm curious as to where this will all go.

Other than that, not too much to report. Hope everyone has a good Fourth of July!

No, Jon.  Making plans to get stuff done today and then doing the exact opposite is NOT what you should be doing.  Eesh.  You're done distracting yourself?  Good.  Now GET TO WORK YOU LAZYBUTT.