Where Was I...?

It's been about what, a month since I've posted here? What have I been up to, anyway? Well, a mix of keeping busy and not doing much at all, really. This has been the Summer of High Humidity here in the Bay Area, which has left me with a consistent headache and considerable exhaustion, so there's that. Oh, and there was the Orange Apocalyptic Sky last week:

That, my friends, was taken at noon last Wednesday. Short explanation is that the smoke from the numerous California wildfires had been pushed high into the atmosphere by a low marine layer, so the air was actually kind of breathable but creepy af. The fact that it felt like 5am all day long was extremely disorienting.  Thankfully, the skies are relatively clear and blue today (still smoky but much better quality than previous days),

Other than that, what have I been up to?

Finally finished the latest revision of Diwa & Kaffi, and I'm thinking I'll reach out to a pro writer friends this week for a beta read (she'd offered a few months previous, so...). If anyone else is interested, please feel free to comment here!

On a more personal level, I've come to the realization that I'm feeling a bit anxious about taking any next steps in my professional and personal lives. More to the point, I'm feeling anxious about taking those first steps. Which is odd, because usually I don't let this sort of thing bother me all that much...in the past I may have voiced my concerns and worries, then followed it up by jumping in with both feet. Sometimes I flail, but every now and again it works out just fine. So why now?

I let myself unpack that earlier this morning, and I think I have a reason: as I'd said earlier here and elsewhere, I feel like I'm in the exact same spot I was in 30 years ago: time for some big life changes...but what? And how? But that isn't what's bugging me and keeping me from reacting. I'm not anxious about the unknown. Nervous, sure, but not overly so. So WHY on earth am I so nervous about taking that leap of faith? What kind of trauma is keeping me from taking that step, if anything? And I realized: yeah, it's exactly like 1990 all over again. I'm not afraid of taking that step, I'm afraid of the failure.

I'm afraid of the failure afterwards, down the road. I spent most of the early 90s trying to readjust my life accordingly, trying to achieve my creative and academic goals and failing for varied reasons. Deferring so many other goals and wishes because I couldn't afford them. Trying to find much-needed emotional stability so i could get my shit together and failing. I'm finally accepting that six goddamn years of that was a hell of a lot more traumatic for me than I realized.

So. What does that have to do with smoke-drenched 2020?

Good question. I have a lot of important steps I need to take, and soon. I need to get a new job. I need to shop Diwa & Kaffi around. I need to get my ass back on the saddle and write again. And I need to make some important personal choices as well. I've worked out why I haven't as of yet. It's taken me a few months to come to terms with that. But it's time for me to push forward again.

I'm not afraid of the future, not this time out.