Drunken Owls and Other Delights

It's been about what, a month since I've posted here? What have I been up to, anyway? Well, a mix of keeping busy and not doing much at all, really. This has been the Summer of High Humidity here in the Bay Area, which has left me with a consistent headache and considerable exhaustion, so there's that. Oh, and there was the Orange Apocalyptic Sky last week:

That, my friends, was taken at noon last Wednesday. Short explanation is that the smoke from the numerous California wildfires had been pushed high into the atmosphere by a low marine layer, so the air was actually kind of breathable but creepy af. The fact that it felt like 5am all day long was extremely disorienting.  Thankfully, the skies are relatively clear and blue today (still smoky but much better quality than previous days),

Other than that, what have I been up to?

Finally finished the latest revision of Diwa & Kaffi, and I'm thinking I'll reach out to a pro writer friends this week for a beta read (she'd offered a few months previous, so...). If anyone else is interested, please feel free to comment here!

On a more personal level, I've come to the realization that I'm feeling a bit anxious about taking any next steps in my professional and personal lives. More to the point, I'm feeling anxious about taking those first steps. Which is odd, because usually I don't let this sort of thing bother me all that much...in the past I may have voiced my concerns and worries, then followed it up by jumping in with both feet. Sometimes I flail, but every now and again it works out just fine. So why now?

I let myself unpack that earlier this morning, and I think I have a reason: as I'd said earlier here and elsewhere, I feel like I'm in the exact same spot I was in 30 years ago: time for some big life changes...but what? And how? But that isn't what's bugging me and keeping me from reacting. I'm not anxious about the unknown. Nervous, sure, but not overly so. So WHY on earth am I so nervous about taking that leap of faith? What kind of trauma is keeping me from taking that step, if anything? And I realized: yeah, it's exactly like 1990 all over again. I'm not afraid of taking that step, I'm afraid of the failure.

I'm afraid of the failure afterwards, down the road. I spent most of the early 90s trying to readjust my life accordingly, trying to achieve my creative and academic goals and failing for varied reasons. Deferring so many other goals and wishes because I couldn't afford them. Trying to find much-needed emotional stability so i could get my shit together and failing. I'm finally accepting that six goddamn years of that was a hell of a lot more traumatic for me than I realized.

So. What does that have to do with smoke-drenched 2020?

Good question. I have a lot of important steps I need to take, and soon. I need to get a new job. I need to shop Diwa & Kaffi around. I need to get my ass back on the saddle and write again. And I need to make some important personal choices as well. I've worked out why I haven't as of yet. It's taken me a few months to come to terms with that. But it's time for me to push forward again.

I'm not afraid of the future, not this time out.

It's September 22 and it's now officially autumn, my favorite time of the year!  Even though we don't really get the foliage colors here, and the weather in the hood remains a stubborn low-60s-with-85%-humidity (ouch), I always enjoy this time.  It's the New Englander in me, I get all wistful and creative and nostalgic and all that, heh.

A and I have been talking about updating our resumes lately.  Neither of us have updated ours in years (my last iteration was in 2014, hers MUCH earlier than that).  She's been taking some online job search workshops and doing some research on the many and various companies that have corporate HQs here in the city.  I did a very brief update to mine a few days ago but realize that I'm going to need to completely rewrite and revise it.  I'll be looking into that over the next few weeks.  Since I have a good solid bank background at this point, I've been thinking of looking further into that field.  In the city, of course.  I've also made peace with the fact that I might have to start commuting and working outside the home.  As I'd said yesterday on my Bridgetown blog, it upended my initial plans and threw me for a loop, but I can still make this work.  It'll be tough, but I can make it happen.  I just need a goal, a clear mind, and a lot of determination.

Yeah, I know... I go through this phase a lot, don't I?  Deciding to change, I get all excited about it, make big plans...and then it wears off and I'm back to my static, stoic self again a month or so later.  Well... I'm hoping to change that as well.  I'm bloody sick of that cycle.  It makes me miserable and depressed and I hate it.  It's me sliding back into the same damn comfort zone again and again and it gets me nowhere.  It's not where I should be.  It's not where I want to be.  It's not where I need to be.

It's scary as hell and I'm constantly feeling like a fraud and that I don't know what I'm doing and that I'm just deluding myself...but right now I'm determined to tell that voice in my head to shut the fuck up for once.  It's far past time for me to make these changes.

Well...!  That got dark quickly.  No worries, my friends...all is well here, and I'm stubborn as hell.  Things are moving in the right direction now. :)


Hope everyone has a good week! :)