More thinky thoughts

Some days I just feel so tired. Not physically exhausted, just mentally and emotionally tired. Thing is, I've been feeling this way well before the pandemic, so I know it's not because of that. [In fact, I seem to be handling that part of life relatively well. It is what it is, it'll get better, and I'm remaining optimistic. Life in general might change a bit, but I'm almost always down with that sort of thing.] And I know it's not because of my loss of the Former Day Job, because I've been wanting to escape that damn place for years -- if anything, I feel a profound sense of freedom, because I'd kept making pitiful excuses (mostly to myself) to stay there for as long as I did. I do feel a bit weird about being unemployed and not all that stressed out about it...when I was in a similar situation in the 90s I felt nothing but desperation and anger, so right now I'm able to really think about my job searches with a clearer mind, and I am SO not used to that.

What's this exhaustion from? I know where it's coming from. It's coming from the fact that I'm still holding myself back. I'm tired of being in my own way. I'm tired of finding excuses not to do things. I'm tired of worrying that my decisions will blow up in my face. I'm tired of second-guessing myself. I'm tired of worrying that what I might have to say will be misunderstood, and the ownership of the conversation taken away from me. I'm tired of being the old me, I guess.