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jon_chaissonHere we go.
I spent a good portion of 2019 disconnected from a lot of things. Not so much out of a desperate need to escape, but more to clear my head and do a lot of introspective thinking about personal things.
I needed to learn how to trust myself better -- to trust my instincts, my emotions, my thoughts and ideas, without outside influence. And by that, I really mean that I needed to learn how to do things and feel emotions and make decisions for my own happiness and not necessarily to please others.
That was one hell of a long-standing barrier that I had to break down, one that I'd had since I was a pre-teen, and one that took a lot of stubborn will to break down and keep down. It wasn't anything I was forced into, mind you; this was my own decision as a young kid, and one that helped me in some respects but truly hindered me in others. It was a survival instinct that evolved into a security blanket and finally into a lazy habit.
I spent most of 2019 not just learning all that, and not just learning to keep that old barrier away, but also learning what makes me happy in the first place. What kind of person do I want and need to be? What are my true emotions (that is, not reactive to stimuli)? What do I need to do to become this person I should really be?
All of this without the constant worry of "what will others think of me" or "will it make so-and-so mad at me" or even the worst of the self-confidence questions, "do I really want this in the first place?" I won't ask that anymore. It's not me anymore.
I spent most of 2019 learning who that person is. I'm going to spend 2020 becoming that person in real life.
I spent a good portion of 2019 disconnected from a lot of things. Not so much out of a desperate need to escape, but more to clear my head and do a lot of introspective thinking about personal things.
I needed to learn how to trust myself better -- to trust my instincts, my emotions, my thoughts and ideas, without outside influence. And by that, I really mean that I needed to learn how to do things and feel emotions and make decisions for my own happiness and not necessarily to please others.
That was one hell of a long-standing barrier that I had to break down, one that I'd had since I was a pre-teen, and one that took a lot of stubborn will to break down and keep down. It wasn't anything I was forced into, mind you; this was my own decision as a young kid, and one that helped me in some respects but truly hindered me in others. It was a survival instinct that evolved into a security blanket and finally into a lazy habit.
I spent most of 2019 not just learning all that, and not just learning to keep that old barrier away, but also learning what makes me happy in the first place. What kind of person do I want and need to be? What are my true emotions (that is, not reactive to stimuli)? What do I need to do to become this person I should really be?
All of this without the constant worry of "what will others think of me" or "will it make so-and-so mad at me" or even the worst of the self-confidence questions, "do I really want this in the first place?" I won't ask that anymore. It's not me anymore.
I spent most of 2019 learning who that person is. I'm going to spend 2020 becoming that person in real life.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-02 01:53 am (UTC)