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jon_chaissonSo I've been hearing all the noise about the latest Game of Thrones episode from the other night, and the fact that there was some major Ick Factor going on in one of the subplots. Well, we don't have cable and I'm not really that interested in the series (books or show--it just doesn't sound like something that would capture my interest is all), so I don't really have much to say about that. I'll just let y'all chat about that.
However, in my recent revision of The Process of Belief, I came upon a short linking scene. In short, two of the most important characters are polar opposite deities yet forever linked spiritually and emotionally, and they face of at a key moment in the trilogy's overall plot.
Here's the passage I came upon:
Denysia whispered a short prayer to the Goddess for letting her get this far unscathed. Her faith in the Goddess had never wavered; it was faith in herself that she'd questioned more times than she would want to admit. She took a deep breath, a second, then a third, much slower breath, and she was relaxed enough to drop everything inconsequential, to purge it all. She felt the excess energy she carried slowly leaving her body, draining out and seeping into the ground where it would be nourished by the spirit of Trisanda itself.
She never heard the steps behind her until it was too late.
She felt a breath on her neck and in her ear.
"Nice to see you again," it said.
And before she could react, the carrier of the voice wrapped its arms around her, one hand grabbing her torso and the other covering her mouth. She was forcibly pulled back into the woods and further away from the path and oh Goddess she knew who this man was who had just grabbed her...
S--Saish... she cried from within.
"D'kami to you," he said, his voice low and slick as he ran through the thick brush. He was taking her to the brook...
Y...you bastard, she growled. Let me go, damn you! She squirmed in his grasp, but it was no use. Though his hold on her was not very tight, it was tight enough to keep her in one place. She was still facing the direction of the cart road, and so she had no idea exactly where she was going, and she had the vague sickening feeling that she was about to plow into a tree or a wall or something, and she would be knocked unconscious. She couldn't even sense what was behind her! She couldn't sense anything at all!
"Not just yet," he said. "We're almost there."
My sister's here, D'kami, she said, for all the good it would do.
D'kami answered with a laugh. "She and I...well...we're not on speaking terms, so thanks for the warning."
D...D'kami! Damn it! She squirmed again, managed to get a hand free, and began punching and elbowing him in the back and side. If he wasn't going to go down, at least she wasn't going to make it easy on him. What the hell are you doing?
"Almost there," he said softly. "Don't worry, my shadhisi*. Everything will be fine."
You're not my shadhisi, D'kami. You are nothing to me!
She gasped as his grasp on her suddenly tightened, almost too tight, and she started to gasp for air. His hand over her mouth, her breaths started getting shorter, and adrenaline started pumping through her. She was convinced that he could kill her right there and then if he wished, regardless of the consequences. And there was little keeping him from doing so. And he was not responding to those words, at least not with his own spiteful words. He was merely squeezing the life out of her, slowly and painfully. Her head was spinning now and she was gasping for air, and she knew he was not going to stop...
...n...nyhnd'aladh**... she said. I...I apologize, D'kami.
His deathlike grasp loosened, but only by a small degree, enough for her to regain her breath and bearings, but not enough for her to dislodge herself. She was along for the ride, wherever he was taking her. She couldn't even figure out where she was, or how far he'd run in that short time. She tried to call out to Caren, but knew that to do so would only make him angry again. She would have to comply...for now.
Quick Anjshé translation:
* = shadhisi is a deeply personal, emotional and spiritual connection. Think destined or fated couplings.
** = nyhnd'aladh is a very heartfelt apology.
So...yeah. The long and short of it is that her betrothed D'kami, under the guise of Saish the chaos deity, has just temporarily kidnapped Denysia (our spunky teen hero and the One of All Sacred, the balance deity), mainly to get her away from her well-meaning but overprotective older sister so he can explain their current situation without interruption or outside influence. The move is very typical of him--acting before thinking, and reacting to the first thing that comes his way. In this case, Denysia's harsh dismissal of their fate.
I came upon this scene a few days ago during revision, and for the life of me, I'm not entirely sure why I wrote some of it. The scene itself didn't bother me all that much...only those last two paragraphs at the end. It wasn't so much that it played out sort of like an abusive relationship rather than anything else, especially with Saish's reaction to her harsh words and her immediate apology afterwards. Why did I write that?
Why indeed. I thought about it some. I wrote the scene probably sometime around 2003 if I'm not mistaken, so if I was inspired or influenced by anything, perhaps it was the comic books I was picking up at the time, or maybe one of the movies or books I watched or read then. Eventually it dawned on me that the point here was shock value. I seem to remember that from the mid-90s to the early 00s I saw quite a bit of 'shock value as proving a point' thing. The 'let's see how far we can take this' thing. I don't know...back then I think there was a point to it, perhaps a reactionary point to the more conservative ideas popping up at the time. You know, going that far because the more popular stories wouldn't dare to.
I think the end of that scene was written exactly for that reason, but in hindsight I don't think it worked. It was supposed to show Denni rebelling when she really shouldn't be (not because of a preconceived gender role, but as her role as deity--the whole point of her character is to maintain physical and spiritual balance in the universe through peaceful means) and Saish calming her down the only way he knew how at the time. The end result sounds like he's being abusive, and hurts her when she steps out of line. Yeah, not my plan at all. Not in the least.
That said...the new version looks like this:
She never heard the steps behind her until it was too late.
She felt a breath on her neck and in her ear. "Nice to see you again," it said.
And before she could react, the carrier of the voice wrapped its arms around her and pulled her off the ground. She was forcibly pulled back into the woods and further away from the path and oh Goddess she knew who this man was who had just grabbed her...
S-Saisshalé...!* she cried from within.
"D'kami to you," he said, his voice low and slick as he ran through the thick brush. He was taking her to the brook…
Y...you bastard! she growled. Let me go, damn you! She squirmed in his grasp, but it was no use. Though his hold on her was not very tight, it was tight enough to keep her in one place. She was still facing the direction of the cart road, and so she had no idea exactly where she was going, and she had the vague sickening feeling that she was about to plow into a tree or a wall or something, and she would be knocked unconscious. She couldn't even sense what was behind her! She couldn't sense anything at all!
"Not just yet," he said. "We're almost there."
My sister's here, D'kami, she said, for all the good it would do.
D'kami answered with a laugh. "She and I...well, we're not on speaking terms, so thanks for the warning."
D...D'kami! Damn it! She squirmed again, managed to get a hand free, and began punching and elbowing him in the back and side. If he wasn't going to go down, at least she wasn't going to make it easy on him. What the hell are you doing?
"Almost there," he said softly. "Don't worry, my shadhisi. Everything will be fine."
You're not my shadhisi, D'kami! You are nothing to me!
He laughed bitterly. "I know you don't mean that."
Minutes or moments later, D'kami stopped at the edge of the brook and let her go. Too disoriented to run and too confused to do anything else, she leaned herself up against one of the larger trees and caught her breath. She continually eyed D'kami, who was now pacing back and forth, from the brook to a nearby tree and back.
Edit note: "Saish" has since been changed to "Saisshalé" to conform with the Anjshé meaning of his name--sa'im Sshalé, or "grand reptile"--and to mirror his other opposing character, Nehalé (Né Sshalé, meaning "Light (spirit) of the One"). Yes, a Jesus versus Satan parallel, if you will.
So yes...much better here. [Yeah, the prose still needs a little work, I know.] Denysia is still on the defensive, but she's not helpless. She's fighting back and making it hard for her captor, which is definitely more in character for her. Additionally, Saisshalé is not hurting her, intentionally or not, making him less 'chaotic' than he seems. In the end it also serves as a signpost of the overall plot at this point--the predestined fates of these two characters are breaking down, and they are both creating new future events in the process. The shock value is gone, but the tension is heightened in the process because it's hit both of the characters deeply and personally.
I think this was a good personal example of where writing to shock can really fall apart. It can of course be used, especially if one is writing in the kind of genre that expects it, or if the writer (say, like GRRM) is using it to show a larger point of corruption within specific systems. Or you're Chuck Palahniuk or JG Ballard. Either way, this whole exercise made me think a bit more about how I've treated a number of my characters. Is it really worth the shocking moment, if it's only for the shock value? Not really. There's got to be a reason behind it, and furthermore, that reason has to be clearly defined. Otherwise it not only fails its intended reaction, it can have unintended and unfortunate alternate meanings.
However, in my recent revision of The Process of Belief, I came upon a short linking scene. In short, two of the most important characters are polar opposite deities yet forever linked spiritually and emotionally, and they face of at a key moment in the trilogy's overall plot.
Here's the passage I came upon:
Denysia whispered a short prayer to the Goddess for letting her get this far unscathed. Her faith in the Goddess had never wavered; it was faith in herself that she'd questioned more times than she would want to admit. She took a deep breath, a second, then a third, much slower breath, and she was relaxed enough to drop everything inconsequential, to purge it all. She felt the excess energy she carried slowly leaving her body, draining out and seeping into the ground where it would be nourished by the spirit of Trisanda itself.
She never heard the steps behind her until it was too late.
She felt a breath on her neck and in her ear.
"Nice to see you again," it said.
And before she could react, the carrier of the voice wrapped its arms around her, one hand grabbing her torso and the other covering her mouth. She was forcibly pulled back into the woods and further away from the path and oh Goddess she knew who this man was who had just grabbed her...
S--Saish... she cried from within.
"D'kami to you," he said, his voice low and slick as he ran through the thick brush. He was taking her to the brook...
Y...you bastard, she growled. Let me go, damn you! She squirmed in his grasp, but it was no use. Though his hold on her was not very tight, it was tight enough to keep her in one place. She was still facing the direction of the cart road, and so she had no idea exactly where she was going, and she had the vague sickening feeling that she was about to plow into a tree or a wall or something, and she would be knocked unconscious. She couldn't even sense what was behind her! She couldn't sense anything at all!
"Not just yet," he said. "We're almost there."
My sister's here, D'kami, she said, for all the good it would do.
D'kami answered with a laugh. "She and I...well...we're not on speaking terms, so thanks for the warning."
D...D'kami! Damn it! She squirmed again, managed to get a hand free, and began punching and elbowing him in the back and side. If he wasn't going to go down, at least she wasn't going to make it easy on him. What the hell are you doing?
"Almost there," he said softly. "Don't worry, my shadhisi*. Everything will be fine."
You're not my shadhisi, D'kami. You are nothing to me!
She gasped as his grasp on her suddenly tightened, almost too tight, and she started to gasp for air. His hand over her mouth, her breaths started getting shorter, and adrenaline started pumping through her. She was convinced that he could kill her right there and then if he wished, regardless of the consequences. And there was little keeping him from doing so. And he was not responding to those words, at least not with his own spiteful words. He was merely squeezing the life out of her, slowly and painfully. Her head was spinning now and she was gasping for air, and she knew he was not going to stop...
...n...nyhnd'aladh**... she said. I...I apologize, D'kami.
His deathlike grasp loosened, but only by a small degree, enough for her to regain her breath and bearings, but not enough for her to dislodge herself. She was along for the ride, wherever he was taking her. She couldn't even figure out where she was, or how far he'd run in that short time. She tried to call out to Caren, but knew that to do so would only make him angry again. She would have to comply...for now.
Quick Anjshé translation:
* = shadhisi is a deeply personal, emotional and spiritual connection. Think destined or fated couplings.
** = nyhnd'aladh is a very heartfelt apology.
So...yeah. The long and short of it is that her betrothed D'kami, under the guise of Saish the chaos deity, has just temporarily kidnapped Denysia (our spunky teen hero and the One of All Sacred, the balance deity), mainly to get her away from her well-meaning but overprotective older sister so he can explain their current situation without interruption or outside influence. The move is very typical of him--acting before thinking, and reacting to the first thing that comes his way. In this case, Denysia's harsh dismissal of their fate.
I came upon this scene a few days ago during revision, and for the life of me, I'm not entirely sure why I wrote some of it. The scene itself didn't bother me all that much...only those last two paragraphs at the end. It wasn't so much that it played out sort of like an abusive relationship rather than anything else, especially with Saish's reaction to her harsh words and her immediate apology afterwards. Why did I write that?
Why indeed. I thought about it some. I wrote the scene probably sometime around 2003 if I'm not mistaken, so if I was inspired or influenced by anything, perhaps it was the comic books I was picking up at the time, or maybe one of the movies or books I watched or read then. Eventually it dawned on me that the point here was shock value. I seem to remember that from the mid-90s to the early 00s I saw quite a bit of 'shock value as proving a point' thing. The 'let's see how far we can take this' thing. I don't know...back then I think there was a point to it, perhaps a reactionary point to the more conservative ideas popping up at the time. You know, going that far because the more popular stories wouldn't dare to.
I think the end of that scene was written exactly for that reason, but in hindsight I don't think it worked. It was supposed to show Denni rebelling when she really shouldn't be (not because of a preconceived gender role, but as her role as deity--the whole point of her character is to maintain physical and spiritual balance in the universe through peaceful means) and Saish calming her down the only way he knew how at the time. The end result sounds like he's being abusive, and hurts her when she steps out of line. Yeah, not my plan at all. Not in the least.
That said...the new version looks like this:
She never heard the steps behind her until it was too late.
She felt a breath on her neck and in her ear. "Nice to see you again," it said.
And before she could react, the carrier of the voice wrapped its arms around her and pulled her off the ground. She was forcibly pulled back into the woods and further away from the path and oh Goddess she knew who this man was who had just grabbed her...
S-Saisshalé...!* she cried from within.
"D'kami to you," he said, his voice low and slick as he ran through the thick brush. He was taking her to the brook…
Y...you bastard! she growled. Let me go, damn you! She squirmed in his grasp, but it was no use. Though his hold on her was not very tight, it was tight enough to keep her in one place. She was still facing the direction of the cart road, and so she had no idea exactly where she was going, and she had the vague sickening feeling that she was about to plow into a tree or a wall or something, and she would be knocked unconscious. She couldn't even sense what was behind her! She couldn't sense anything at all!
"Not just yet," he said. "We're almost there."
My sister's here, D'kami, she said, for all the good it would do.
D'kami answered with a laugh. "She and I...well, we're not on speaking terms, so thanks for the warning."
D...D'kami! Damn it! She squirmed again, managed to get a hand free, and began punching and elbowing him in the back and side. If he wasn't going to go down, at least she wasn't going to make it easy on him. What the hell are you doing?
"Almost there," he said softly. "Don't worry, my shadhisi. Everything will be fine."
You're not my shadhisi, D'kami! You are nothing to me!
He laughed bitterly. "I know you don't mean that."
Minutes or moments later, D'kami stopped at the edge of the brook and let her go. Too disoriented to run and too confused to do anything else, she leaned herself up against one of the larger trees and caught her breath. She continually eyed D'kami, who was now pacing back and forth, from the brook to a nearby tree and back.
Edit note: "Saish" has since been changed to "Saisshalé" to conform with the Anjshé meaning of his name--sa'im Sshalé, or "grand reptile"--and to mirror his other opposing character, Nehalé (Né Sshalé, meaning "Light (spirit) of the One"). Yes, a Jesus versus Satan parallel, if you will.
So yes...much better here. [Yeah, the prose still needs a little work, I know.] Denysia is still on the defensive, but she's not helpless. She's fighting back and making it hard for her captor, which is definitely more in character for her. Additionally, Saisshalé is not hurting her, intentionally or not, making him less 'chaotic' than he seems. In the end it also serves as a signpost of the overall plot at this point--the predestined fates of these two characters are breaking down, and they are both creating new future events in the process. The shock value is gone, but the tension is heightened in the process because it's hit both of the characters deeply and personally.
I think this was a good personal example of where writing to shock can really fall apart. It can of course be used, especially if one is writing in the kind of genre that expects it, or if the writer (say, like GRRM) is using it to show a larger point of corruption within specific systems. Or you're Chuck Palahniuk or JG Ballard. Either way, this whole exercise made me think a bit more about how I've treated a number of my characters. Is it really worth the shocking moment, if it's only for the shock value? Not really. There's got to be a reason behind it, and furthermore, that reason has to be clearly defined. Otherwise it not only fails its intended reaction, it can have unintended and unfortunate alternate meanings.
