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Thinky thoughts
Apr. 28th, 2020 12:41 pmWhat drives me?
I don't mean a tangible thing that inspires me to do something creative, like an excellent song or a mind-blowing movie or book. I mean, what is it that drive me to *be* something, whatever that may be?
I've been fighting conflicting drives for decades now, to be honest.
One side of me hides away in stasis and status quo and comfort, that what I have is good enough, and why should I complain? This is the side argues that I don't need to constantly exhaust myself every single day, that just being who I am now is good enough. This side helps when I'm overburdening myself, but this side is also one hell of a lazy bastard that puts everything off until the last moment. This side hates when Best Laid Plans blow up in my face and feels like a failure. This side constantly worries about how others might react. This side doesn't want to make too many waves and make anyone upset. This side holds me back, keeps me from taking chances I really should take.
The other side, one that popped up in my early teens, is the side that always longs to push past whatever barriers are in front of me, whether self-built or otherwise. This is what I used to call the nonconformist, back in the day...the side that reveled in being unique and true to myself. This is the side obsessed with creativity and music. This is the side with the Best Laid Plans that sometimes blow up in my face, but learns from it each time. This side acknowledges what other people think, but won't hinder itself because of it. This side pushes me forward, keeps me taking chances fearlessly.
These two sides battle each other every single damn day, and it can be so exhausting sometimes.
I don't mean a tangible thing that inspires me to do something creative, like an excellent song or a mind-blowing movie or book. I mean, what is it that drive me to *be* something, whatever that may be?
I've been fighting conflicting drives for decades now, to be honest.
One side of me hides away in stasis and status quo and comfort, that what I have is good enough, and why should I complain? This is the side argues that I don't need to constantly exhaust myself every single day, that just being who I am now is good enough. This side helps when I'm overburdening myself, but this side is also one hell of a lazy bastard that puts everything off until the last moment. This side hates when Best Laid Plans blow up in my face and feels like a failure. This side constantly worries about how others might react. This side doesn't want to make too many waves and make anyone upset. This side holds me back, keeps me from taking chances I really should take.
The other side, one that popped up in my early teens, is the side that always longs to push past whatever barriers are in front of me, whether self-built or otherwise. This is what I used to call the nonconformist, back in the day...the side that reveled in being unique and true to myself. This is the side obsessed with creativity and music. This is the side with the Best Laid Plans that sometimes blow up in my face, but learns from it each time. This side acknowledges what other people think, but won't hinder itself because of it. This side pushes me forward, keeps me taking chances fearlessly.
These two sides battle each other every single damn day, and it can be so exhausting sometimes.
