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Coming back from visiting my hometown, I'm reminded of why I used to listen to The Smiths so much in my teens and twenties. It wasn't so much about the people or the places, but I was struck -- quite heavily, actually -- by how much I've changed over the decades. Listening to the Smiths while I lived there as a kid and later as an adult (specifically songs like 'Reel Around the Fountain' and 'Back to the Old House', and of course 'How Soon Is Now'), they were a means of escape, much like most of the other alternative rock I listened to at the time. Years later, I'm nowhere near the person I used to be back then, on a lot of different levels. Part of it was getting married and A jostling me in the right direction, sure, but a lot of it was deeply embedded wishes, plans and thoughts that I desperately wanted to follow up on and could finally do so. I remember posting on my old LJ some years ago about finally cutting ties with that part of my life. And VERY recently I've been making some serious personal changes in my life that has taken me further away from who I once was.
On the one hand, it was good to see friends and family, but on the other hand, I realized that I really don't have that much of a connection to that humdrum town or much of Massachusetts for that matter. Even Boston has changed considerably, to the point where I still love the city dearly but it's not the city as I remember it. (I don't want that city back, mind you -- I'm happy whenever a town or city evolves for the better.) It's really hard to maintain that connection at this point, because I can't play that old role anymore. I'm not saddened by this, mind you. Well, I am to some extent, especially when there is a certain level of stagnancy involved. But I feel that I've disconnected enough that whatever steps I take next, my past won't influence it.
It's a weird feeling, perhaps even depressing in its own way, but it's also a relief. I can look forward without looking back.
On the one hand, it was good to see friends and family, but on the other hand, I realized that I really don't have that much of a connection to that humdrum town or much of Massachusetts for that matter. Even Boston has changed considerably, to the point where I still love the city dearly but it's not the city as I remember it. (I don't want that city back, mind you -- I'm happy whenever a town or city evolves for the better.) It's really hard to maintain that connection at this point, because I can't play that old role anymore. I'm not saddened by this, mind you. Well, I am to some extent, especially when there is a certain level of stagnancy involved. But I feel that I've disconnected enough that whatever steps I take next, my past won't influence it.
It's a weird feeling, perhaps even depressing in its own way, but it's also a relief. I can look forward without looking back.
Glad to be back home here in SF. Hope everyone's having a nice weekend!
