[writing] On the Threshold of a Dream

Interesting that all of this came about when I tried my hand at a different writing style with my poetry. That came about when I realized why I wasn't writing the poetry I used to write in abundance when I was a teenager. Well, I'd come to the conclusion quite some time ago that most of that early stuff (and up to about 1996 or so) was more diary/stream of consciousness/method of release type of writing than anything else, so therefore there was a lot of emotion and experimentation, but not really much underneath.

Then there was my prologue rewrite of A Division of Souls that I posted the other day. That was an extension of that experiment, of going that one level deeper with my writing that seems to have been missing all this time.

I never thought of my current writing as utterly craptastic and unsellable--more like I was happy with it so far, but there had to be more to it that I wasn't quite grasping yet. As dancinghorse suggested in critting the beginning of Love Like Blood, I was phoning it in, and readers don't like that. I'd have to push even more if I'd make a name for myself in print.

After writing that refurbished prologue, it dawned on me that I felt like I hit that line between truly writing only for myself and actually writing for an audience. In the past I either wouldn't think about it and just write the damn thing, or I'd fall into the selfish "they'll understand how I work eventually" mode of thinking. Now I'm at the point where the latter isn't going to cut it unless I purposely plan on being some hip alternative writer, trying to emulate someone else's style and languishing in obscurity. And that isn't going to cut it, not unless I plan to continue writing for the fun of it and not advancing my career as a writer. I can be (and am) adequate at a lot of different things, but my worst fear and realization is that that is the problem--I'm merely adequate. That's not going to work if I want to be published.

And yes, I still view my day job as a "job" and my writing as a "career". I think if I'm going to get anywhere with my writing, that is the most important viewpoint to keep in mind. As with every career, no matter what it is, unless I plan to live my life doing a day job for the money and spending the rest of my off-time life in recreation, I have--no, I must--go that extra step and excel at what I really truly love doing.

In rewriting that prologue, it dawned on me that if I'm planning on continuing this for the long haul, it's going to take a hell of a lot of time. The Eden Cycle trilogy is three books of 130k to 150k words each--ready for editing and revision, and at least a couple more years' worth of work. Love Like Blood is significantly shorter and in a different non-fantasy (read: longwinded! ;) ) style, and that one should take less than a year to complete, but the fact remains that this step is a pretty damn BIG one, and I'd better be prepared for it.

Am I willing to do this? Am I willing to donate my blood, sweat and tears and give up my free time by taking this step? Do I want to dedicate the rest of my life to this endeavor? Will I still enjoy it a few decades down the line? Deal with rejections and critiques, writer's block and sucktastic prose in order to end up with a finely polished body of work that I'm proud of? Do I take thee to be my lawfully wedded career, to write and to read, till death to us part?

I've been thinking seriously about this for the last few weeks. I haven't even talked to emmalyon about it--this is something that I had to think about completely on my own. I weighed the pros and cons, the what-ifs, the contingency plans, the sideline projects, everything. And after all that, it came down to one question: Am I willing to be this dedicated?

And after all that, the answer is still a resounding YES.

[meme] Day 24. A song that you want to play at your funeral

Heh, I nearly forgot about doing this today. Thanks for the reminder, Nim!

This was actually an amusing question that would get bandied about with my circle of friends in high school, as a lark. Cuz, you know, we listened to the Cure and the Smiths and all that at the time. Which meant that The Smiths' "Asleep" was my song of choice.

Now? Definitely "In My Life".

I think that one sums it up nicely. :)